My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
