I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
