i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
