I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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