It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
