i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
