In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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