LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
