I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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