btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
