I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
