I'm going to jail i love you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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