It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
