I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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