I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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