New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
don't judge my taste in strippers
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
