you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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