Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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