I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
