A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
