so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
