is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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