I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
