My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
