i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
