I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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