I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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