Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We left the knife in your bed.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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