I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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