Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
