i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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