Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize