Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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