um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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