How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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