Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize