I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize