That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
