last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
