i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize