We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize