it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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