Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
