who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
