Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she told me i tasted like america
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
