I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
