I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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