is your mom at the bar?
I bet he comes in French.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
