I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
