I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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