how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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