Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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