The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
