dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
