a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it was like having sex with a tree stump
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
