it wasn't lemon gatorade
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
