If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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