Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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