Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
