she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
