I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
