Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
