I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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