Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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