Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
